At Wit's End

  • 225 pages
  • Anglais
  • Format Kindle
At Wit's End

⤓ Free ᔆ At Wit's End online pdf ⦘ Book Author Erma Bombeck 䌙 This isnt a book Its a group therapy session It is based on six predictable depression cycles that beset a woman during a twelve month span These chapters will not tell you how to overcome these depression cycles They will not tell you how to cope with them They will have hit home if they, in some small way, help you to laugh your way through while hanging on to your sweet sanity January 2March 4 Whats a nice girl like me doing in a dump like this It hits on a dull, overcast Monday morning I awake realizing there is no party in sight for the weekend, Im out of bread, and Ive got a dry skin problem So I say it aloud to myself, Whats a nice girl like me doing in a dump like this The draperies are dirty and will disintegrate if laundered , the arms of the sofa are coming through There is Christmas tinsel growing out of the carpet And some clown has written in the dust on the coffee table, YANKEE GO HOME Its those rotten kids Its their fault I wake up feeling so depressed If only theyd let me wake up in my own way Why do they have to line up along my bed and stare at me like Moby Dick just washed up onto a beach somewhere I think she hears us Her eyelids fluttered Wait till she turns over, then everybody cough Why dont we just punch her and ask her what we want to know Get him out of here Shes pulling the covers over her ears Start coughing I dont know how long it will be before one of them discovers that by taking my pulse they will be able to figure out by its rapid beat if I am faking or not, but it will come When they were smaller, it was worse Theyd stick their wet fingers into the opening of my face and whisper, You awake yet Or good old Daddy would simply heave a flannel wrapped bundle at me and say, Heres Mommys little boy Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddys little boy becomes Mommys little boy, the kid is so wet hes treading water Their imagination is straight from the pages of Edgar Allan Poe Once they put a hamster on my chest and when I bolted upright my throat muscles paralyzed with fright they asked, Do you have any alcohol for the chemistry set I suppose thats better than having them kick the wall until Daddy becomes conscious, then ask, Do you want the cardboards that the laundry puts in your shirts Any wrath beats waking Daddy There has to be something wrong with a man who keeps resetting his alarm clock in the morning and each time it blasts off smacks it silent and yells, No one tells me what to do, Buddy Personally I couldnt care less what little games my husband plays with his alarm clock, but when I am awakened at 5 30, 6 00, 6 15, and 6 30 every morning, I soon react to bells like a punchy fighter Thats what I get for marrying a nocturnal animal In the daylight, hes nothing He has to have help with his shoelaces In all the years weve been married he only got up once of his own accord before 9 30 And then his mattress was on fire He cant seem to cope with daytime noises like flies with noisy chest colds, the crash of marshmallows as they hit the hot chocolate, the earsplitting noises milk makes when you pour it over the cereal The truth of it is, hes just not geared to function in an eight to five society Once he even fell out of his filing cabinet Around eleven at night a transformation takes place He stretches and yawns, then his eyes pop open and he kicks me in the foot and says, What kind of a day did you have You mean were still on the same one I yawn Youre not going to bed already, are you Yes Would it bother you if I played the guitar Yes Well, then maybe Ill read a little before I go to sleep Why not I have the only eyelids in the neighborhood with a tan No doubt about it, if I could arise in a graceful manner, I could cope Its starting to snow Thanks a lot up there Before moving to the suburbs, I always thought an Act of God was a flash of lightning at Mt Sinai or forty days and forty nights of rain Out here, they call a snowfall an Act of God and they close the schools The first time it happened I experienced a warm, maternal glow, a feeling of confidence that I lived in a community which would put its children above inclement weather The second time, that same week, I experienced a not so warm glow, but began to wonder if perhaps the kids could wear tennis rackets on their feet and a tow rope around their waists to guide them On the third day school was canceled within a two week period, I was organizing a dog sled pool We racked up fifteen Acts of God that year and it became apparent to the women in our neighborhood that somebody up there was out to get us It got to be a winter morning ritual Wed all sit around the radio like an underground movement in touch with the free world When the announcer read the names of the schools closed, a rousing cheer would go up and the kids would scatter Id cry a little in the dishtowel, then announce sullenly, All right, dont sweat in the school clothes REPEAT Dont sweat in the school clothes Hang them up Maybe tomorrow youll visit school And stay out of those lunch boxes Its only eight thirty My words would fall on deaf ears Within minutes they were in full snow gear ready to whip over to the school and play on the hill Little things began to bother me about these unscheduled closings For example, wed drive by the school and our second grader would point and ask, Whats that building, Daddy Also, it was March and they hadnt had their Christmas exchange yet Our ten year old had to be prompted with his alphabet And the neighborhood Love and Devotion to Child Study group had to postpone their meetings three times because they couldnt get the rotten kids out from under foot We might as well be living in Fort Apache, said one mother If this snow doesnt melt soon, my kid will outgrow his school desk We all agreed something had to be done This year, a curious thing happened In the newspaper it was stated that snow was no longer to be considered an Act of God by the state board of education Their concern was that the children spend a minimum number of hours in school each week and that the buses would roll come yells or high water Snow is a beautiful, graceful thing as it floats downward to the earth, and is enhanced greatly by the breathtaking indentation of school bus snow tires Snow is now considered an Act of Nature in the suburbs And everyone knows shes a Mother and understands these things Whip it up, group Everyone to the boots What do you mean youre a participle in the school play and you need a costume You be careful in that attic, do you hear If you fall through and break your neck, youre going to be late for school A drudge Thats all I am Theyll all be sorry when Im not around to run and fetch So you swallowed the plastic dinosaur out of the cereal box What do you want me to do, call a vet Lunches Better pack the lunches Listen to them bicker What do they care what I pack Theyd trade their own grandmother for a cough drop and a Holy picture Of course, none of these things would bother me if I had an understanding husband Mother was right I should have married that little literature major who broke out in a rash every time he read Thoreau But no, I had to pick the nut standing out in the driveway yelling at the top of his voice, I am thirty nine years old I make fifteen thousand dollars a year I will not carry a Donald Duck thermos to the office Boy, he wouldnt yell at me if my upper arms werent flabby He never used to yell at me like that He should worry He doesnt have to throw himself across the washer during spin to keep it from walking out of the utility room He doesnt have to flirt with a hernia making bunk beds He doesnt have to shuffle through encyclopedias before the school bus leaves to find out which United States president invented the folding chair Its probably the weather Everybody out Look at em stumbling around the driveway like newborn field mice Its the weather all right No leaves on the trees No flowers No green grass Just a big picture window with nothing to look at buta new bride moving into the cul de sac Well, there goes the neighborhood Would you look at her standing at her husbands elbow as he stencils their marvy new name on their marvy new garbage cans I suppose tomorrow shell be out waxing her driveway So give her a few years, and shell be like the rest of us sifting through the coffee grounds looking for babys pacifier What am I saying Give her a few years of suburban living and shell misplace the baby What was it I was supposed to look for this morning Maybe Ill think of it I wonder how much time I waste each day looking for lost things Lets see, I spent at least two hours yesterday looking for the bananas and enough straight pins to pin up a hem Lucky the kids came up with the idea of walking across the floor in my bare feet or Id be looking for pins yet I suppose I couldve uncovered the bananas by smelling breaths, but you have to trust someone sometime when they say no.America s irrepressible doyenne of domestic satire.THE BOSTON GLOBEMadcap, bittersweet humor in classic Erma Bombeck style You ll laugh until it hurts and love it Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy s little boy becomes Mommy s little boy, the kid is so wet, he s treading water What do you mean you re a participle in the school play and you need a costume Those rotten kids If only they d let me wake up in my own way Why do they have to line up along my bed and stare at me like Moby Dick just washed up onto a beach somewhere Wit s End Board Game Amy EKILA Make sure this fits by entering your model number More than just trivia, is a game of brain teasers and riddles in diverse categories Wit Coffeehouse Hours Monday am noon Tuesday Saturday to pm we close at on Memorial weekend through Labor Day Sunday Closed Call Welcome the World Wits Your NYC West th Street, New York, NY Computer Sales Repairs For English Students A man calls customer 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